Episode 44

SHUT DOWN MINI-SERIES: Why Does My Partner Shut Down When Big Feelings are Present?

Last week, in this miniseries on shutdowns, we talked about shutting down in the middle of an argument. This week, we’re talking about shutting down from a slightly different angle: When one of us in the relationship is having big, vulnerable feelings. It can feel scary or vulnerable to express a need or emotion we have, even outside of conflict. So, let’s dig deeper.  In this episode, we discuss some differences in why you might shut down when you have big feelings versus why you might shut down when your partner has big feelings, and what these look and feel like internally versus externally. And when our partner shuts down and feels unavailable to us during our big feelings, our brains make up stories about why it's happening.  Curiosity and slowing down are the keys to moving through these moments–because often our stories are just that–the crux of moving past our shutdowns is in examining the stories we make up in our heads when they happen. The stories we make up in our heads about why our partner is shutting down and what happens when our story is proven right.  

That wraps up our shut down mini-series. We'll be back soon with season 3.



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About the Podcast

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Why Does My Partner
Answering questions from people who want help in relationships.

About your hosts

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Jules Shore

Juliane (Jules) Taylor Shore LMFT, LPC, SEP is an author, teacher and therapist specializing in integrative therapy for trauma recovery and couples relationships. She specializes in teaching integrative therapy and Interpersonal Neurobiology internationally. She is also the author of Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Empowered and Connected. You can work with her in small group workshops for those who want to do deep work on their boundaries, relationships and well-being. She also offers intensives in a one on one format for adult individuals and couples. Find out more about her work at julianetaylorshore.com.
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Rebecca Wong

Rebecca Wong LCSW, SEP is a relational trauma therapist and educator. She helps promote experiential learning brain states that conjure new possibilities, integrate felt sense knowings, deepen authenticity, increase trust, and develop practices to support generational wellness. Rebecca specializes in offering experiential relationship intensives for those seeking profound shifts.
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Vickey Easa

Vickey Easa LICSW has been a therapist since 2008, adding in Relational Life Therapy in 2016. She loves spreading the information of Relational Health to anyone who will listen; professionally AND personally. She sees adults, both individuals, and couples, and recently began public speaking on the topic of Healthy Self Esteem. No pets yet; her husband, two children, and watching TV keep her busy enough. Learn more about Vickey’s work at vickeyeasa.com