Episode 78
Feel Most Comfortable Connecting on a Surface Level
We’re back, dear listeners, as promised with a bonus mini-series: Discord Builds Trust…No Really!
Really, it does! We’re not kidding with you on this one. So then why are we sometimes more comfortable with superficial, surface level topics? We’re opening up this conversation by acknowledging that intimacy is hard, and vulnerability can be scary, and wait – just what is a surface level topic, anyway? The truth is, if you’re feeling like there’s a mismatch between you and your partner on how deeply you’re connecting, there’s a lot of reasons why that could be the case. How are you each defining surface versus depth? How were they treated in your respective families of origin? What else might be going on in your lives that might be affecting your capacity for going deep at this moment?
When we start asking ourselves and our partners these questions, we’re facing the truth that mismatch is inevitable. What feels comforting and close to you might feel invasive and controlling to your partner, and what is light and playful to them could feel superficial or avoiding to you. In these moments of discord, when our visions of what we want our relationships to look like come into conflict with who our partners really are, that’s when we can put aside our agendas and approach the conversation with curiosity and connection, with a real desire to learn something new about our partners and offer them the opportunity to learn something about us, too.
Quotes:
“Everybody has a different magical want.”
"For some people, depth brings comfort and safety. And for others, surface or play.”
"Go ahead and feel into these moments of mismatch. And then lean into navigating them together.”
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