Episode 79
Bring Up Safe Topics to Solve a Problem When There Are Hidden Issues Not Being Discussed
Hello and welcome to episode two of our mini-series, Discord Builds Trust…No Really!
It’s such a natural, human thing to want to avoid conflict. We all do it! But when we do, we’re missing the chance to have a new experience of trying something hard with someone we love, and finding out that we can do it. That’s why we call it earning trust.
Our bodies and our brains are primed to remember past struggles and do everything they can to protect us by avoiding the same thing happening again. That doesn’t just apply to our own lived experiences, but also to the generations of learning that have been passed down to us from our ancestors. They teach us that certain things aren’t ok to bring up, are dangerous to even think or feel. That’s what Resmaa Menakem is talking about when he says, “Trauma decontextualized in a people over time can look like culture.”
In this series, we’re inviting you to become more aware of these learned beliefs and to sit with them with compassion and kindness. When you do, you have a golden opportunity to blend that learning with other parts of your brain that can take in the world around you as it’s happening right now.
You may want to try this exercise from Dan Siegel, which we share in today’s episode. It’s an acronym called BASIC: Behavior, Affect, Sensation, Image, Cognition. Take it one piece at a time, in any order, asking yourself the questions and observing with curiosity and kindness:
Behavior: What am I doing right now? Is my body being pulled to move, or not move in some way?
Affect: What am I feeling? Can I notice it and give it a name?
Sensation: What are my five senses taking in, and what am I feeling in my body?
Image: what images come to mind when I sit in this place? Pictures? Sense memories?
Cognition: What thoughts am I having? What meaning am I making up about what’s going on inside and around me right now?
Quotes:
“Trust is not built in moments that are going well. Trust is not built in safety moments.”
"You need to rumble in order to earn trust."
"What do our histories know about conflict?"
“…[fighting about] something that feels like it should be pretty benign…the process underneath it is ‘we don’t know how to do conflict. I don’t know how to tolerate that we might really see things differently.”
“If I come at myself harshly, I’m going to run away from myself. If I come at myself with kindness and curiosity, that might just shift that I know I can do this. And if I know that I can do this, then I can bring it to you.”
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