Have a Secret World and Not Let Me In

Would you know everything about your partner? Like, really, really everything? There’s a delicate balance in every relationship between the intimacy of knowing each other deeply and keeping the magic alive with a bit of mystery. In today’s episode, we get into how intimacy comes from knowing a lot about our partner, which makes us feel safe, while mystery – leaving some things unknown – brings the thrill of discovery, intrigue, and passion. Too much safety, and you might not have enough passion, but too much mystery can lead to feeling unsafe and insecure. That’s where we find today’s question asker, who wonders what’s going on when their partner seems to disappear into his inner world, leaving them behind. We discuss some of the possible obstacles to sharing and get into what it actually means to pay attention to your own internal experience. Finally, we finish up with an offer for you to get curious and open up a conversation with your partner that invites closeness and discovery.

For those wanting to learn more about mystery and intimacy in relationships, here’s Esther Perel’s book Mating in Captivity, as well as her Ted Talk, “The Secret to Desire in a Long-Term Relationship”

Quotes:

“It’s the distance and the spice…the stuff that makes it hot - that’s the mystery.”

“When we're making invitations, they can't be demands.”

"From a partner to a partner, if you start a question with a 'why,' it's a good way to bring up defense."

“How close would you like to be to your partner? Do you wonder what their experience is like?”

"Your brain can watch your own mind."

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If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

This podcast is not a substitute for therapy with a licensed provider.