Episode 104

Why Does My Partner Interrupt Me?

What are the conversation patterns in your relationship? Do you tend to leave a lot of space for silence, or talk fast and interrupt each other a lot? Does that differ from how it was in your family growing up? Is there an imbalance, with one person doing a lot more of the interrupting and talking over?

…and is it a problem?

Today’s question asker might be wishing that their partner interrupted them less, but that’s not true for everyone. Whether or not you do this has a lot to do with where you’re from, your family dynamics and even your neurology. In lots of cultures, interrupting is a sign of excitement and showing that you’re engaged, but for others, it can feel rude, dominating, and derailing. It could even be different for the same person in different situations.

If you take anything from today’s episode, we hope it’s this: celebrate your diversity, whether it’s cultural, neurological, or anything else. We’re all going to do things a little bit different, and that’s ok! Take it as a chance to get curious about what’s going on in your partner’s brain, and to share what’s in yours. We bet you’ll be glad that you did.

Quotes:

“there's tons and tons of gifts in fast processing and there's tons and tons of gifts in slower processing speeds…it has nothing to do with intelligence.”

“Maybe there’s no such thing as neurotypical.”

“We don’t have to let differences drive us a part, we can meet each other through them.”

This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Transcript

Rebecca: 00:00:01

Welcome to the Why Does My Partner podcast.

: 00:00:04

I'm Jules.

: 00:00:05

I'm Vicki.

: 00:00:06

And I'm Rebecca.

: 00:00:07

We're your hosts.

: 00:00:08

We're also couples therapists

and messy humans bumbling

: 00:00:11

through our own relationships

: 00:00:13

Vickey: every day.

: 00:00:14

We met at a training and our secret

sauce is that we and our partners became

: 00:00:18

fast friends between us We have more

than 40 years of experience holding hard

: 00:00:23

relational questions with our clients

We're going to bring those questions here

: 00:00:27

Jules: and together.

: 00:00:28

We're gonna take a stab at answering those

questions This podcast is not a substitute

: 00:00:33

for couples therapy If something you

: 00:00:35

Vickey: hear in this

: 00:00:36

Jules: podcast stirs something deep

within you about your relationship Reach

: 00:00:40

out to a couples therapist in your area

: 00:00:43

Rebecca: We also love to hear

your questions, so don't forget

: 00:00:46

to go over to whydoesmypartner.

: 00:00:47

com to leave a question of your own.

: 00:00:50

Here's today's

: 00:00:50

Vickey: question.

: 00:00:53

Welcome back.

: 00:00:54

This

: 00:00:54

Rebecca: is Jules.

: 00:00:55

This is Vicki.

: 00:00:56

And this is Rebecca.

: 00:00:57

And today's question, why

does my partner interrupt me?

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Vickey: Your partner's name is Jules.

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I was like, is Adam actually

sending this question?

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Because the answer I love

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Jules: is, I cannot seem to stop

myself and also deeply enjoy it.

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And if only you would

interrupt me more too.

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I love it.

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I actually, you know, you know what it is,

is I love like the intellectual bantery.

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Like some of this is, uh, why do I

fit in on the East Coast so well?

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So I'm not from anywhere, really.

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I moved a ton as a kid.

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I have a lot of different,

um, history living in lots of

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different parts of the country.

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But for a while I lived in

New York City and I loved

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Vickey: it because people talk over

each other when they're excited.

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And I was like, finally,

my people, you get me.

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Rebecca: It's the thing though, right?

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It's like, I got energy about this thing.

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Vickey: Yeah.

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And then I have energy too.

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And then, and then you

interrupt me right back.

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And it's like, okay, so

it's totally possible.

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And this has actually been

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Jules: studied where you get different

cadences in different parts of the

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world in different, uh, context.

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Right?

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So different.

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Yeah.

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Rebecca: I'm like, can we go

into the different voices also?

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During this.

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That makes sense,

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Jules: darling.

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If you need me to do a different

voice, I can do that for you.

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Vickey: Now, don't you get me started now.

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I got a lot of different.

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People in my

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Jules: family from a lot of

different places in the world.

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Vickey: And so I got just

a, I got a lot of history.

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Different.

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Rebecca: Yes.

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But so cadence shows up in a

lot of different ways, right?

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Like we can draw things

out while we're talking.

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And then, and there's some

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Jules: natural like pause, right?

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Yeah.

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So like for people on the West coast or

in the States, for example, there's a more

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natural pause between ends of sentences.

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We're on the east coast.

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This has

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Vickey: actually been studied.

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I know.

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You've told me that.

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I still remember it.

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And I grew up in California.

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Jules: The natural pace of, uh, of that

California, you know, Washington state

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has a little bit of a slower pace in

talking, but also a little bit of a

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slower pace in like that moment between

when somebody stops talking and the

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next person talks could be three to

five seconds, which for me is an ocean

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Vickey: of time.

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It's forever.

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It's forever.

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It's like, dude, why didn't you

come in while I was still talking?

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Because that's

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Rebecca: really the only way

to do it, because then you know

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that there's like a flow inside.

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This is what we're talking

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Vickey: about.

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Right?

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Yes.

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You know, I do want to, it's

funny because no one would know

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this because it was behind the

scenes, but from before our first.

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Jules, not begged me, but asked me

and Becca, you too, but she asked,

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you guys need to interrupt me.

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Yeah.

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Jules has been telling us this

behind the scenes since day one,

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and I didn't know that it was.

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It's

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Rebecca: been a very

explicit contract between us.

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It's been a very explicit contract, right?

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Jules: Yeah, I want you

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Rebecca: to, but also I think part

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Vickey: of this contract with

my husband, he doesn't like it.

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Rebecca: But I think part of it

too has to do with not just cadence

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of speech, but cadence of thought.

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Right.

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And it's like, Jules, the more I get to

know you, the more I witness how quickly

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your brain works and moves from here

to there, to there, to there, to there.

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And my brain has done stuff like that.

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Throughout my life, and, uh,

people who are close to me

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have called it the Becca Train.

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Right?

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So you can either hop on the Beca train

or not hop on the Beca train, but the

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Beca train is probably going to take you

to seven different places before we land,

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before we get to wherever we're going.

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Yeah.

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Oh, okay.

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Vickey: I, yeah.

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Like I can be tangential.

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I'll go on all those separate things.

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Rebecca: It's really tangential,

but it's also kind of quick and

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it doesn't really slow down.

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Right?

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And so I'll go from here to

there, to there, to there,

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to there, to there, to there.

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And if you don't have the

endurance to stay with me on

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that train, I can be exhausting.

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But I'm not exhausting to Jules

and Jules is not exhausting to me.

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Right.

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But yeah, but also we have this agreement

around interrupting, which helps to pace

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things so that we stay with each other.

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Jules: Well, the truth is people

have different brain speeds.

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So this is about how fast the

electricity is running in your brain.

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And that's a DNA thing.

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You're born with, uh, anywhere on

the spectrum from super fast to super

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slow and slow does not mean dumb.

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Thank you.

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I was just going to

say, this isn't like any

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Vickey: kind of

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Rebecca: like, has nothing

to do with it, Mark.

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It just means that we're

moving, that things are fast,

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are wiring at different speeds.

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It's

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Jules: just, it's just how fast

the electricity is running.

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Cause mine is not this fast.

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Oh God, no.

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At all.

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And that's fine.

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Vickey: So I can keep up with you guys,

but my brain doesn't do it the way

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Jules: yours does.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

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So the, so the, the, there's gifts,

there's tons and tons of gifts in fast

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processing and there's tons and tons

of gifts in slower processing speeds.

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Um, people who have slower processing

speeds usually come to really deep

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synthesizing information by the time

their brain actually gets through

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the, the data and can find things

and nuances that people who are

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running fast miss all the time.

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So it, this has nothing

to do with intelligence.

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at all.

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If, however, you are a faster

partner with a slower partner, as

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far as the electricity goes, right?

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Um, you, the fast one can slow down.

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The slow one cannot pick up.

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It's not physically

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Rebecca: possible.

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It's just, it's just

not physically possible.

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Yeah.

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It's

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Jules: just not possibly possible.

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So if my husband's electricity

runs a little bit slower than mine.

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I can slow down, but he cannot speed up.

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That's not, that's not physical.

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So when I say slow down, I don't

actually mean that I'm slowing it down.

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That's not what's happening.

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What's happening.

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So I can't change the electricity speed in

my brain anymore than he can in his brain.

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But what is possible is that I could have

a thought, say it out loud and then stop.

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And my thoughts are still

going, but I could stop

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Vickey: my mouth.

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Jules: So it's not actually that I'm

slowing down the electricity in my brain,

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it's more that I'm choosing to pause to

let the genius of his brain come in and

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give more information that's his way.

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Of thinking about the world, which

is totally different than my way.

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And that's great.

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So if you're the interrupting partner, I'm

calling myself out and in, in this moment.

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Um, slow down.

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Uh, especially if it's

driving your partner crazy.

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Honey, I'm very sorry.

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I really am working on it.

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You'll have to let me know later

if it's getting any better.

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I really am.

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I am, I am consciously attempting to stop,

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Vickey: but I think there's also,

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Jules: so we have, we have

cadence of speed of thought.

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We have.

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Cadence in terms of like, where were

you, were you in more of a collectivist

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space growing up, were you in a

really individualist space growing up?

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What areas of the country

have you lived in?

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What areas of the world have you lived in?

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All this is going to be part of it.

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Um, so you've got processing

speed differences.

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You've got people who interrupt

because of excitement.

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They're not interrupting because

they want to talk over you.

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They're interrupting you to share

and delight in what you're saying.

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And that's the way they're expressing it.

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And of course you've got the

people who just want their way.

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And so some of them are erupting you

because they don't want to hear you.

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Rebecca: And there's also folks who

are interrupting because they're

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afraid of forgetting the thing, right?

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Like they don't trust themselves

to talk about the memory.

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The piece of like holding on to this idea.

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I don't.

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Yeah.

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Right.

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Jules: Um, yeah.

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So neurodivergence is where we're going in

to, we're kind of walking into that world.

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So for those who maybe you have ADHD and

your working memory actually is not that

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great and you cannot depend on it to

hold the thought for five more seconds.

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If you held the thought for

five more seconds, it gone.

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That's actually.

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Definitely something I experienced

inside is that my working memory

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actually isn't good enough to keep

the thought I have to write it down.

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If I'm going to remember to swing

back and then half the time, I

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don't know what my note means.

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Rebecca: I've seen you do that.

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I've seen you write it down.

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I don't know what this was.

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I have to write it down with cues for

myself so that I have an understanding

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of what direction I was moving in.

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Because if I don't do

that, then I lose it.

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But if I take the time to do

that, I've lost the conversation

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where the other person's talking.

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I can't do both.

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Vickey: Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Rebecca: So it's like if I'm

going to pause to take a note, I

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actually need you to pause with me.

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Vickey: Yeah, totally, because I can't,

I can't actually do the note and hear

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Rebecca: you.

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Right, I can't, I can't do both, but

then like in my relationship, if my

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partner has to pause so I can write

something down, he loses it too, and

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he doesn't necessarily write it down.

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So then we get in, like, it, you

know, it's like, I think, here's the

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thing that I'm thinking a lot about.

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I'm thinking about how much,

so many 40 and 50 somethings.

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30, 40, 50 somethings are like

later in life getting diagnosed with

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different forms of neurodivergence.

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Right.

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It's like we're learning about

this stuff and it's almost like I'm

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starting to think more and more.

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The more of my friends I talk to, the

more like myself, there's more and

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more of us that are seeing ourselves

somewhere on the spectrum and seeing

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it in our kiddos and learning like, Oh,

there's different ways our brain works.

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And it's almost like.

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Well, maybe there's no

such thing as neurotypical.

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Yeah,

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Vickey: I was thinking that.

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Maybe

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Rebecca: there's no such thing

as neurotypical, but we haven't

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really taken the time to figure out

like, Oh, how does my brain work?

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Right?

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And this is like such a big

part of being in relationship.

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Because it's one of our, one of

the ways that we're probably going

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to be different than each other.

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Yeah,

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Jules: I love that word.

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You introduced me to Rebecca Neuro Spicy.

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Yeah.

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Like which version of Neuro Spicy are

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Vickey: you?

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Yeah.

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Jules: And it's probably not

the same as your partner.

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Yeah.

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And those differences

can lead to adaptations.

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Mm hmm.

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Of various kinds and interrupting

might be one of those.

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Totally.

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Including like, you know, I talked

about it on a podcast before.

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I organize my pantry incredibly well.

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It's because I cannot find it

unless it is in the right spot.

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Have

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Rebecca: we noticed my bookshelf?

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Vickey: Your bookshelf is color

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Rebecca: coded.

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Yeah.

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It's, it's, it's, it's like

color coordinated, right?

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Why?

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Do we want to know why?

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Because I can

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Vickey: remember.

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You can locate anything.

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Because you remember the books

by the color that they are.

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Rebecca: don't remember what you said.

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The color of their spine.

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Of the

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Vickey: binding.

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Yeah.

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The binding.

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Rebecca: The binding.

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Yeah.

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That the binding doesn't

always match the actual

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Jules: book.

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See, I could never find any of the books.

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See, we're neuro spicy in different ways.

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Totally different.

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Rebecca: Now, if we were

going to like share I could

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never find any of those books.

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Right.

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If we were going to share

a space together, right?

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And this is how I find books.

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And you find books by, I don't

know, the piles that you keep

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them in or something like that.

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Right.

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I know.

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Vickey: That's, that's why I'm The

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Jules: piles that I keep them in.

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The piles that you keep them in.

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I just pointed my camera at

the piles that I keep them in.

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Vickey: huh.

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They are really

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Rebecca: mild.

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So now, your version and my

version, neither version is wrong.

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They're different.

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No.

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But they're not wrong.

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Vickey: they're related to each other.

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Jules: Yeah.

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So I know this.

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Well, mine

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Rebecca: is how they're related, too.

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Like, those are the red ones.

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And those are the yellow ones.

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Oh,

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: 00:12:51

Vickey: but not by, like,

343

: 00:12:51

Jules: subject

344

: 00:12:52

Vickey: matter.

345

: 00:12:53

No.

346

: 00:12:53

Yeah.

347

: 00:12:54

No.

348

: 00:12:55

Amazing.

349

: 00:12:56

No.

350

: 00:12:56

Minor alphabetical order by

the title, I wish they had.

351

: 00:13:01

Oh my God.

352

: 00:13:01

That's brilliant.

353

: 00:13:02

Wait, wait, wait.

354

: 00:13:03

355

: 00:13:03

Rebecca: if you don't like the title,

you rename it and then you have to

356

: 00:13:06

remember that title, but it's not on

the book and you have to alphabetize

357

: 00:13:09

it by the one that you named

358

: 00:13:10

Vickey: it.

359

: 00:13:10

But what if you forget it?

360

: 00:13:11

And Gabe's head exploded

when I told him that.

361

: 00:13:14

I was like, are you kidding me?

362

: 00:13:16

I'm like, yes, because

I'll put a shout out.

363

: 00:13:18

My friend, Father Chris wrote a book

and I I think it's called The Way

364

: 00:13:21

of the Warrior Saint, but I think it

should be called Crucifixional Living

365

: 00:13:24

because that's what he talks about.

366

: 00:13:25

So it's understated for crucifixional,

but it's not called that.

367

: 00:13:29

That is amazing.

368

: 00:13:30

Rebecca: By the way.

369

: 00:13:31

It's hysterical.

370

: 00:13:32

Here we go.

371

: 00:13:33

I love you.

372

: 00:13:34

Jules: I love you.

373

: 00:13:34

I love you.

374

: 00:13:35

Totally.

375

: 00:13:36

Vickey: Another version of Neuro

376

: 00:13:37

Jules: Spicy right now.

377

: 00:13:39

Hello High Verbal Processor, who

does not forget words like that.

378

: 00:13:44

I knew exactly what that word meant.

379

: 00:13:46

This is what the title

of the book should be.

380

: 00:13:49

Hello High Verbal Processor, who would

never forget a concept like that.

381

: 00:13:53

Mm hmm.

382

: 00:13:54

Mm hmm.

383

: 00:13:55

Whereas that would make no sense

to me, and there's no way I could

384

: 00:13:57

remember that made up title twice.

385

: 00:13:59

I can't even remember the

386

: 00:14:00

Vickey: one that's written down twice.

387

: 00:14:01

I do remember the book had

this one metaphor that changed.

388

: 00:14:05

Rebecca: I need the color.

389

: 00:14:08

The color will make me, because I'm

a felt sense kind of person, and I

390

: 00:14:12

remember things like, well, it was red.

391

: 00:14:16

Or here's, here's, this is the thing.

392

: 00:14:18

I'm loving audio books lately.

393

: 00:14:19

Do you know why I'm loving

audio books so much?

394

: 00:14:22

Because I go, Oh, let's see, they were

talking about such and such when I was

395

: 00:14:27

walking by the tree on the road there with

the black acorns that fell in the ground.

396

: 00:14:31

That's how I remember details.

397

: 00:14:35

Jules: This is awesome.

398

: 00:14:36

It's amazing.

399

: 00:14:37

May I interrupt us?

400

: 00:14:38

Yeah.

401

: 00:14:38

Please interrupt us.

402

: 00:14:39

Speaking of an interruption.

403

: 00:14:40

Yeah.

404

: 00:14:41

Rebecca: Podcast.

405

: 00:14:41

This is how you go on a trail, though.

406

: 00:14:43

This is, now

407

: 00:14:45

Vickey: we're seeing.

408

: 00:14:45

We just

409

: 00:14:45

went

410

: 00:14:45

Jules: on a train.

411

: 00:14:46

We just went on a train.

412

: 00:14:47

Mm hmm.

413

: 00:14:47

So, so these are some of the reasons why,

but I think we've missed one of the big

414

: 00:14:51

ones and I want to make sure we hit it.

415

: 00:14:52

There could be history.

416

: 00:14:56

For your partner.

417

: 00:14:57

Mm hmm.

418

: 00:14:57

That makes it highly adaptive

for them to interrupt.

419

: 00:15:01

So it could be maybe they got

interrupted a lot or their house had

420

: 00:15:05

fast talkers in it or maybe they have

some pain around not feeling heard.

421

: 00:15:09

Mm hmm.

422

: 00:15:09

And so there's like a jump into

sharing my truth because I'm

423

: 00:15:13

afraid people won't hear it.

424

: 00:15:15

That's a possibility.

425

: 00:15:16

Rebecca: I'm also catching another

piece right now that I hadn't thought

426

: 00:15:20

about until it just played out with us.

427

: 00:15:21

Mm hmm.

428

: 00:15:22

We went on a train.

429

: 00:15:23

Yeah.

430

: 00:15:23

How did we

431

: 00:15:24

Vickey: get off the train?

432

: 00:15:25

Jules: Somebody

433

: 00:15:25

Rebecca: interrupted us.

434

: 00:15:26

And what did that interruption do?

435

: 00:15:28

It brought us where?

436

: 00:15:29

Back.

437

: 00:15:29

Back to the question.

438

: 00:15:31

Right.

439

: 00:15:32

How many?

440

: 00:15:32

Between the three of us.

441

: 00:15:33

We're doing this in our office every day.

442

: 00:15:35

We interrupt people we work with.

443

: 00:15:37

Yeah.

444